She Wasn't Okay
by Brallie4Never
Summary: Things have been tense between Stef and Callie ever since the Russell ordeal. One night, Stef catches Callie downstairs after the girl had a tough nightmare. Set a few weeks after 5x01/5x02.


Callie wakes with a start, exclaiming, "No!" as she jolted into an upright position on her bed. Her head snaps to her sister's side of the room, letting out a sigh of relief amongst her labored breaths when Mariana appears to still be asleep.

This was the sixth one; the sixth nightmare she's had since the fiasco with Russell. And they've only gotten progressively worse. The first one was not so bad, only containing things that actually happened. But as the weeks progressed, so did the nightmares. This one had Russell raping Callie, along with his partner and Liam, and her mother finally giving up all hope as the sour cherry on top.

Callie reaches toward her nightstand and grasps her phone with a shaking hand, turning on the screen and sighing when the time reads 2:38am. She had finally fallen asleep at around one, as was the occurrence throughout this past week. She was used to this lack of sleep, even before Russell. Thank you, shitty foster homes.

As per usual whenever she wakes up and can't fall asleep, Callie climbs out of bed and reaches for a discarded hoodie that so happens to be an old SDPD hoodie Stef had given her. She pulls it on and exits the room quietly..or..as quietly as one can when they're exhausted and trembling head to toe. She manages to close the decorated bedroom door without slamming it and make it downstairs without creating too much of a ruckus.

Callie pads to the kitchen and to the drawer where the tea is stashed, using the moon's reflecting light to help her see. As she's extending her arm to grab the small box, the movement tired and languid, she hears a voice speak up behind her.

"Callie?" Said girl yanks her arm down and whips around to see her mom standing there, wearing a look of curiosity and concern. She's wrapped up in a bathrobe, her short, blonde hair sticking up in places from sleep.

"What are you doing awake, my love?" Stef ponders softly, taking a step toward her frazzled daughter. Callie opens her mouth to speak, but finds she can't find the words to say. Where does she even start?

"Oh, uh..just a bad dream. I'll be fine," Callie finds herself saying, her words carrying a dismissive tone. No matter how tense things seem right now, she cannot will herself to lie to her mother. Omitting details is another story, though. She prays that Stef doesn't see the fear and tears already pooling her eyes.

Stef tuts in sympathy and fixes Callie with a look to match, noticing the tremor. "Do you want to talk about it?" She keeps her voice quiet and soothing, exactly what Callie needs when she's strung-up like she appears to be now.

The teenager shakes her head, maybe a bit too quickly to be believable. "No. I'll be fine. I've had them before." Again, not a lie. Just a vague version of the truth. Her arms instinctively come up to wrap around her chest, attempting to scratch at her skin through the hoodie. A nervous habit that she doesn't even realize is happening a lot of the time.

Stef furrows her eyebrows and takes a few steps closer while maintaining space for Callie, noticing the nervous habit. Little to her daughter's knowledge, she knows that this has been going on most nights since she brought her home from Russell's motel room. But she hasn't seen until now just how shaken-up Callie is. "Are you sure, bug?"

Callie nods, trying not to let her walls crumble under Stef's stare, trying not to let the aura of love and safety be the dynamite that obliterates them. "Yeah. I'm sorry I woke you," she rushes out. She tries to walk past her mom to go back to bed, but is stopped by a gentle grasp on her arm. She closes her eyes, preparing for the inevitable.

"Hey, love, you're shaking like a leaf. What's going on?" Callie, unable to do much to respond, feels herself being slowly turned so she faces Stef. She opens her eyes, revealing the unshed tears.

Stef's concern for her daughter grows tenfold, as well as guilt and a hint of dread. She has a good idea what has gotten Callie so rattled. They've barely spoken to one another since that night and it's clear now how much of a toll it's taken on her daughter. What kind of mother is she?

"Baby.." she practically coos, looking into Callie's big, brown eyes. "Come on, come sit," she instructs, leading Callie to the couch before the girl can protest. They sit and Callie feels a hand on her back as she leans forward so her elbows are resting on her knees as she rubs her face with her hands, emitting a small groan of exhaustion as the tears fall.

Her thoughts are jumbled, jumping from one thing to the next without any order. She hears her mother ask once more what's going on, but she can't respond. She can barely look at her mother with the amount of guilt she feels. Between Jesus' TBI and her new position at work, this was the absolute last thing Stef needed. She wasn't thinking clearly at the time, overcome by fear of the unknown. Rita's voice rings in her head amidst the fog.

"_Sometimes, you've got to stick around for your luck to find you."_ If Callie had waited another 20 minutes, hung onto hope for just a little longer, the luck would've found her before she ran off. Again.

The mother-daughter pair sit in comfortable silence, Stef's hand a constant grounding on Callie's back, until the teen speaks up, saying the first thought that stands out while keeping her eyes on the floor.

"You never asked if I was okay." Her voice holds hurt and betrayal, but no judgement or anger. Just because it hurt doesn't mean she doesn't understand.

"What, love?"

Callie sits up and turns to face her mother, who has her eyebrows furrowed as she watches her daughter. Her tired, sad eyes meet her mother's for a brief moment before they focus on her own lap. "When...When you found me...at _his_ motel room." She doesn't say his name, never wants to say or hear it ever again.

Stef racks her brain, going over the moments of that night. The search, the find, the rescue, and finally the scolding. She remembers her eyes skimming over Callie's arms and face, looking for any immediate injuries, but nothing other than that. She remembers what she said to Callie, her words harsh and coming from a place of pure exhaustion.

Stef's eyes widen in shock, realizing that Callie's right. Even nearly three weeks later, she never thought to check up on her daughter. Regardless of how she wound up with Russell, the whole ordeal must've been triggering. How could she have forgotten the #1 rule her and Lena have? The rule that they will always make sure their children are okay before scolding them?

"Because I wasn't," Callie continues, voice harsh and clipped, taking her mother's silence as a negative thing. Before Stef can say anything, Callie keeps going, growing louder and more emotional as she rants, her thoughts now spilling out uncontrollably. "I wasn't okay when it was happening and I wasn't okay when you found me and I'm not okay now!"

"Callie-"

"He made me call him 'daddy,' which brought up things I wish I could forget. He made me drink that stuff that made me feel drunk which made me anxious because it affected my ability to know what was going on. He tried to touch me and when I told him who I was, he said that he could kill me and dump me in a ditch, and no one would care. Do you know how many foster parents I had that used to say the exact same thing?!" Callie stopped herself there, taking a few calming breaths. Her head had snapped up to look at her mother when she had asked the rhetorical question, her voice growing deeper as she spoke.

Stef just sits there, torn between being heartbroken and furious as she listens to her daughter's heartbreaking retelling of events. Torn between holding her daughter and going to the prison where Russell is being held and making him pay for how he made her daughter feel.

Callie begins talking once more, somewhat calmer and quieter now that she's gotten the initial hurt out. "I know that you were tired and angry, and you had every right to be. I'd be furious myself. But I just needed you. I didn't need to be reminded that I could've been raped and killed. I was made aware of that when I saw his gun." Her shaking increases in vigor and she can barely keep her gaze on her mother. Seeing that gun in the motel room reminded her of Jim Pearson the night she and Brandon went to his house to save Jude. Russell touching her and eyeing her like a won trophy reminded her of Liam. It was too much and all she needed was her mom. "I just needed you," the girl whispers, reminding herself that she _is_ home now and safe. "I just needed my mom.." Her voice breaks with the emotions she's trying to hold back.

Stef moves the hand on Callie's back so she has her arm wrapped around the trembling girl. Too exhausted to protest, Callie leans into the comforting touch and inhales shakily, closing her eyes once more. A shard of glass cuts through the mother's heart at how exhausted her daughter is, both mentally and physically.

Taking that as the end to her daughter's rant, Stef jumps on the opportunity to speak. "I'm so sorry I never asked if you were okay," she starts, guilt evident in her voice. "It doesn't matter that you went willingly. You still faced things that might've triggered some really rough memories." She watches as her daughter remains still and a bit calmer than before, listening to what Stef has to say.

"You were right," she sighs, a frown etched on her face as she recalls that night, watching as Callie's eyes snap up to her face. "I was exhausted and frustrated. But I'm still your mother, and my first concern should've been if you were okay." Stef falls silent as she thinks of examples to give to Callie to drive her point home.

"When Mariana took the pills and then ran into Nick, my first concern was if Nick had hurt her. When Dani raped Brandon, I didn't care that he'd been drinking. The same should've applied to you."

Callie offers a meek shrug in response, not sure if she agrees with her mother but understanding what she's trying to say. "But I went with him willingly. I wasn't drugged or drunk. My judgement wasn't impaired by anything other than the anxiety I felt over the trial," she explains, picking at a lose thread in the SDPD sweater she's wearing, her eyes falling to her lap once more.

Stef's eyes soften in sympathy at how troubled her daughter is, knowing that part of her self-blame stems from not getting the comfort she needs. It's a pattern she had noticed with all of her adopted kids. They were all hesitant to accept comfort, but once they were okay with receiving it, not receiving comfort was a sign of being given up on.

She knew her and Callie had a bond, as did everyone else. Looking at Callie reminded of Stef of her teenage years, and gave everyone else insight as to how Stef was when she was a teenager. Their relationship is based on Callie pushing and Stef pulling her back. The blonde thinks it has to do with her being a cop and having dealt with juveniles with resistant behavior.

This strong bond they have has led to Callie coming to Stef for just about anything that wasn't related to homework (then she went to Lena). It has led to Stef's approval being the one Callie seeks out the most.

"Honey, anxiety can impair behavior, too. In that moment, you didn't know that Troy had confessed. All you knew was that there was a possibility that you'd be going to prison." Stef rubs Callie's arm and kisses her forehead.

Callie inhales shakily and pulls her knees to her chest, curling up next to her mom. "I was so scared," she admits in a feeble voice, feeling her mother's arm tighten around her. "The moment I stepped into that van, I knew I had screwed up big time, but it was too late because his gun was sitting right there." She looks up at her mom, whose eyes are shining in sympathy and anger. Anger that someone had made her daughter feel so scared.

"All I could do was pray and hope that you'd find me. I let him call me Christina because I knew that giving him my real name would be bad. I didn't say anything about GU or Diamond ever being there. Hell, I didn't even correct him when Diamond told him I was sixteen."

Stef sat there, both in amazement and in sadness. While some of that may have been learned through Stef telling her stories about encounters with people, she knew that some of that stemmed from being in foster care and not being able to trust anybody with anything.

She smiles at her daughter, watching as her eyes fill with hope at the small show of approval. "You handled the situation very well, love." She remembers something important and furrows her eyebrows. "I found you through a picture I got of Diamond near a framed photo with the address on it. Do you know how she managed to get ahold of a phone?" she asked Callie, hoping to steer the conversation into a lighter tone without changing the topic.

Callie nods quickly. "The girl who was doing my makeup had her phone in her bag. I pretended to have mascara in my eye long enough for Diamond to get the phone without being noticed." She smiles as she retells the story, proud of her quick thinking. Her smiles falls as she recalls something else about that night. "When the chaos started, I immediately pulled Diamond into the bathroom to hide. Everything about what I did that night was either quick thinking or stuff I learned from your stories, expect for that." She glances up at her mother, who is watching her with observing eyes, listening intently. "That I learned from years of protecting Jude in other homes." Images flash through her mind of times where she would shove Jude into a cramped bathroom and lock the door, covering his ears as foster parents screamed and threw things. It makes her want to cry. It was all too similar..

The cop in Stef is screaming for justice for years of abuse. The mother in her wants to wrap her up in her arms and protect her from any other harm in this cruel world. "Oh, love," she sighs, her voice cracking with emotion. "You've had to grow up too fast. It's not fair."

Callie shakes her head in agreement. "It's not," she offers, giving her mother a sad smile. "Look," she starts, thinking over her next words carefully. "I know you want me to be your average, seventeen-year-old kid who breaks rules and does reckless things and gets into trouble..but that's not possible."

Stef tilts her head to the side in curiosity. "What do you mean, babe?"

"I mean, sure, I can break curfew a few times and get drunk or whatever, but I can't completely let go," Callie falls silent as she prepares herself for what she's about to say. "When I was ten, I had to become mother, father, and sister to Jude. I'd take the beatings for him, comfort him if he got yelled at, and then distract him from the stress. I did that for six years." She closes her eyes and sighs heavily. She hates that she's had to do that but she can't forget all her learned behaviors. "I can't forget all of that in a year. I can't be a normal teenager when I don't know what that's like because I never even really got to be a normal _kid._" She prays that her mother understands what she's trying to say. She's not even sure she's making sense with how tired she is.

Stef bites her lip and thinks over Callie's words. She knows her daughter is right. There's no way six years of learned behavior can be stopped in one year. Even after eight years, she still sees some of the similar behaviors Jesus and Mariana showed when they first got here, such as Mariana going silent when something bad happens and Jesus taking the fall for her.

"I get that Jude doesn't need my permission for things anymore, but it's difficult to not be so protective when I spent years making sure he remained innocent and optimistic." Callie yawns and rubs her eyes, then continues. "When I called you and Mama that horrible word that very first night, I didn't mean it."

Stef's eyebrows rise and she shifts so she's facing Callie a little more. "You didn't?" She never held it against Callie. She just assumed that the insult came from a lack of education and a place of ignorance.

Callie shakes her head slowly. "No. You see, whenever Jude and I entered a new home, I would make snarky remarks about them until I found the one that set them off. From there, I'd be able to tell Jude what not to say to avoid getting hurt," she explains. "I never had any problems with your relationship or the fact that the twins were adopted. I was just…" she trails off, not wanting to say something wrong and make her mom think she's still scared of them or something.

"Looking for what made us angry enough to hurt you so you could protect Jude," Stef finishes, holding Callie closer, hating that the cruel system had made her daughter do such horrible things to survive. "I get it."

Callie gives her mother a tight-lipped smile and closes her eyes once more, laying her head on her mom's shoulder. "I wouldn't change it for the world, though."

"You wouldn't?" Stef pushes, confusion evident in her voice. Everyday, she wishes Callie and Jude hadn't gone through the abuse that they did. How can Callie be content with it?

"No," Callie hums, still smiling tiredly. Stef holds her closer and kisses her forehead as she awaits her response. "Because all those years spent in the system are what led us here." She moves her head and looks up at her mom. "Besides, if all of that didn't happen, or if I had gotten here when I was younger, you'd probably be dealing with two Marianas," she jokes in a playful tone, laughing along when her mom chuckles.

"I can't see you being like her," Stef hums almost to herself. She's imagined it, of course. She's gone over universes where Callie got to her at six rather than sixteen, universes where there was no abuse. In all of those universes, Callie was still the firey, passionate young woman she is now, with a heart of gold but enough stubbornness for the both of them. "Do you think if you hadn't gone into the system, you'd have a different passion?" she wonders.

Callie shrugs, humming thoughtfully. "I don't know. Maybe." She rubs her eyes again and huffs tiredly. "Foster care definitely shaped my passion for justice a lot. I do remember wanting to be a vet when I was younger, though."

Stef is immediately intrigued. Being a vet is not an easy job. It requires a lot of tenderness and strength. "Why a vet?"

Callie breathes out a laugh and shakes her head, shrugging. "It's kinda silly." Her voice sounds like she's also thinking back on a memory.

Stef shrugs as well. "Tell me anyway," she coaxes, giving her daughter a fond, reassuring smile as she nudges her to sit up straighter.

"Alright," Callie huffs dramatically, smiling at the nudge she gets from her mother. "One day years ago, I was playing with some friends and we found a little baby bird stuck in a ditch." She hopes that baby bird is still okay and thriving today. "We put it in a bucket and kept feeding it worms until we found an adult who could call someone." They were kids who didn't have much, but did what they could with what they did have.

Her daughter, ever the savior and gentle. There's a certain tenderness to Callie that most would have to squint to see because she shows it in different ways. Making sure that Mariana isn't trying to starve herself, keeping Brandon occupied with music while his hand was healing. She shows it in ways that aren't exactly physical or obvious.

"That's not silly at all. That's really sweet." At Callie's 'really?' expression, Stef laughs and shrugs nonchalantly. "I'm serious. You found a fragile life and probably saved it. You did what you could and you were responsible about it."

Callie nods, feeling a twinge in her heart when she thinks about just how differently she acted that night at the motel. "Yeah. Definitely went downhill from there," she mutters, but Stef hears it.

"Hey." Stef pulls back entirely and sits up straighter once more, making sure Calie is facing her before she speaks. "Foster care made you go into survival mode. You did things you normally wouldn't do to keep Jude safe, yes?" Callie nods along with Stef's firm tone. "That night, you went back into survival mode. There was an immediate threat, so you acted quickly to hopefully protect Diamond, yes?" Another nod, but timid this time. She's hesitant to agree. There were a million other ways she could've saved Diamond, like just grabbing her hand and just running.

"I'm really trying to change," Callie murmurs almost dejectedly. She can't ever let go of what the foster system made her be, but she really is trying to be smarter about her problems. "And sometimes, it feels like you don't see that."

"What do you mean, Cal? Of course I see that you're trying to change. And you have." Stef tries to cover the hurt in her voice, but it seeps out. Does Callie still not trust them to help her? She honestly thought that Callie believed it when she said she was proud of her.

Callie shrugs and avoids her mother's eyes. She still feels so much shame for what she put her mother through that night. "You said that I was unacceptable."

_Oh, honey. _Stef's heart breaks once more for her daughter. She had said those words a few days after the whole ordeal. The moment she said them, she wished she could take them back when she could see the tears in her daughter's eyes. However, the young girl had bolted off upstairs before Stef could say anything.

"Baby..I didn't mean it like that. You are so bright and beautiful. You're so smart and passionate about things you care about. And I'm so proud of you for breaking down all those walls that were up the first night." The mother moves her hand to wipe away some of Callie's tears that have started to fall. "And I am so sorry that I made you feel like you weren't accepted here anymore."

Callie mulls over Stef's words for a moment, letting them simmer in her mind. Too many years in abusive homes have led to Callie assuming the worst case scenario. If someone said something that sounded mean, it was intended to be really mean. There was no room for misinterpretation.

She hears her mother's voice, soft as a hummingbird. "Can you look at me?" Hesitantly, she lifts her head until she is looking into her mother's eyes.

"What I meant was your tendency to act impulsively, especially when it can get you into life-threatening situations, is not okay."

Callie narrows her eyes at her mother at the reasoning. There are many reasons these two are so much alike. Impulse is one of them.

Stef senses this train of thought and rolls her eyes, nudging Callie once more. "It's different for me. I'm trained to keep myself safe in dangerous situations."

"You still walked into a house without a vest and got shot," Callie butts in, giving Stef the 'try me' look that is so uncannily Stef-like.

Stef huffs out a laugh and nods, not being able to deny that. "Okay. Truce." She holds her daughter closer, breathing in and out heavily. "What I mean is that you need to work on how you react to certain situations. Now," she starts quickly as Callie opens her mouth to protest. "I know you had to teach yourself to act quick, consequences be damned. I'm not expecting you to improve this overnight, but I'd like to believe you trust us enough to keep you safe as well as figure out the situation."

"And I do," Callie says right after, not wanting her mom to get the wrong idea. "But Russell was right around the corner. I didn't have time to call you and I sure as hell was _not _about to let Diamond go alone, or let Christina get pulled into that life." Callie had gotten a taste of that life when Liam raped her, and again when she was singing for Russell and he tried to touch her, eyeing her like a piece of meat. "My only other option was to run. But a van with a gun is a lot faster than two teenage girls." She had thought of other ways to do it, but between Diamond's panic and Daphne's determination, she knew she was cramped for time. So she had made the first decision that her muddled mind could conceive. "My first thought was to call you," she admits as she looks to her mom. "But when Diamond said that he was right around the corner, I..acted on impulse.."

Stef notices that Callie is scratching the back of her hand somewhat harshly. She reaches for her hand and holds onto it tightly, replacing the hurtful scratching with the soothing touch of her thumb rubbing the back of her daughter's hand. Once again, the girl yawns, she eyes squinting shut. The mother brings Callie into her arms once more, maneuvering them so they are laying down somewhat.

"That nightmare you mentioned," Stef begins in a murmur as she strokes her daughter's hair. "Was that about Russell?"

"Mhm," is the mumbled response she gets from Callie. "Been havin' 'em since.." She's cut off by another yawn. She hasn't slept more than three hours at a time since that night.

_Since that night with Russell,_ Stef finishes in her head as she presses her lips to her daughter's forehead. "Get some sleep, bug." Within moments, Callie is fast asleep, seemingly peacefully for the first time in 18 days.

_I've got you, my love, _the mother thinks as she watches Callie sleep, forcing down the guilt that rises at seeing just how exhausted her daughter is. _I'm here now. I'm not gonna leave you alone like that ever again._


End file.
